I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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