can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
