I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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