I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
