do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
