So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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