I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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