....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Drunk is not a location!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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