There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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