Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize