Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
