Having a random hookup so left but love u
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
