New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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