I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize