I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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