So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
