so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
