when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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