sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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