Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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