wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
