I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
