I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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