why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
