My liver just broke up with me...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I deserve this hangover.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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