I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
