I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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