I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
