Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
