I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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