So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
