I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
