You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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