i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Randomize
