My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
