Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
