Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
