Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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