you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
