i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
