I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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