guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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