I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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