Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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