It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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