life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
