then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
