i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
