The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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