I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
