Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
