My nipple is on Facebook.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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