Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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