I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize