This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
