I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
