i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
