the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize