On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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