you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize