Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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