hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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