@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
